“And I’m sayin you’re full o shit!” Buttercups shrill voice pierced the quiet air in an unfamiliar tavern
“No really!” Orgoth chimed “They’ve got two more legs in the middle. Lets em climb better”
Buttercup gtoaned “What the hell were you even doing at the zoo?”
“Well it was either that or die in a cell for murder”
“SO THERE WE WERE AT THE KITTEN” Orgoth interrupted
“A bar fight broke out. I Lept into the frey, fighting everyone at once! I must have knocked out twenty people!” he boasted
“News flash tall dark and ugly, I WAS THERE” Buttercup rolled his eyes “You struggled to fight two farmers before I tackled your bitch ass to the ground”
Orgoth Glared “If memory serves i punched you straight to deaths door”
“IT WAS A CHEAP SHOT”
Orgoth stood. Buttercup leapt the table, tackling the orc to the ground. The two errupted into a flurry of limbs. Other patrons gathered and cheered. Suddenly, the dwarf flew into the crowd. Angry cries erupted as farmers and merchants laid into one another.
The bar flew into a frenzy
“So as I was saying”
Orgoth wrapped his ribs. Around him, dozens of farmers lie unconscious, many sporting suspicious orc sized bruises. At his feet in a puddle of blood yet lacking any obvious wounds, Buttercup lay breathing heavily.
“Shortly after the brawl we found a dead girl up in Rel’s room.”
“Yeah him, Apparently the dwarf was cut open with care. She was missing her heart. There was some charcoal shit on the wall too.”
“Not gonna lie I think that’s fucked” Buttercups pitch woke a unconscious man. Orgoth leaned over, Whapping him on the head. He grunted and slammed into the floor.
“Yeah, it was bad” Orgoth tied off his ribs “Nin said it was the work of Stitchers, and maybe assassins from the carnival”
“Wait aren’t stitchers those guys who put bodies together then resurrect them” Buttercup inquired
Orgoth shrugged “Wouldnt know, never met one” he paused “But I hope i never do”
“So after that the keepers showed up and closed the bar for a few days. Half of my group wasnt even there for that, they left to this weird guy’s shop.” Orgoth looked up “Hey wait, do you know Travis? the Fennic?”
“Oh yeah Travis!” Buttercup raised his tone “He and I are old war buddies! We fought together against the legions of the damned”
“Fuck no!” Buttercup laughed, a piercing shriek that would have confused a bat “Who the fuck is Travis?”
Orgoth squinted “Hes a weird fuck that sells sex drugs i guess. I wasnt there. Apparently he told the others about Tiger Tigers”
“Again with these six legged bitches” Buttercup rolled his eyes
“IM NOT MAKING IT UP I SAW THEM”
“ANYWAYS” Orgoth stood, walking behind the bar he carefully stepped over the Tender. Grabbing a pair of glasses he filled them with swill. As he returned to his ugly friend, he produced some coppers from his pouch, tossing them at the unconscious barkeep. He handed a cup to Buttercup.
“So everyone and their brother wants to go see a tiger tiger. I didn’t give a shit, but I had to stop by my apartment briefly so I tagged along for a bit. The party identified these swords we found in a trash mimic”
“The thing that nearly ate the halfling right?”
“Yeah she almost gets eaten a lot it seems”
“Heh, dumbass halfling” A crooked grin spread across his disfigured face.
Orgoth ignored him “Yeah so turns out the one just looks like a creamsicle and the other makes everything taste like citrus”
“Wait” Buttercup suddenly made eyecontact with the orc “What would happen if you ate a lemon?”
“NOT YOU TOO” Orgoth raged.
“YOU WANNA GO AGAIN BIG GUY”
“FUCK YOU TOO”
the two stood, starring at one another.
both sat at a near by table. Buttercup gently picked the glass out of his face while orgoth bandaged his forearm.
“Its times like this that I miss Rel” The orc spoke
“Yeah” Buttercup agreed “So what happened next”
“Well I decided I was done being retarded for the day” Orgoth started
“well thats a first” Buttercup muttered
“And I left to find some work. Everyone else went to a fruit market on the way to the zoo”
“TO BUY A LEMON?”
“YES TO BUY A FUCKING LEMON”
The Dwarf smiled, The Orc groaned
“So I found the raven man. He asked me to shake down some stands at another market”
“And you killed the guy instead”
“NO. I DID NOTHING” Orgoths dark cheeks flushed into a warm brown.
“Right” Buttercup hopped off his stool and waddled to the bar for a refill
“Things didn’t go as planned at the market, and i got locked up. But thankfully the Raven man bailed me out” Orgoth continued “It was lonely in jail so i decided to go to the zoo to convince my friends to stop being retarded”
“Wait what happened at the fruit market”
“Well this is second hand, but from what they told me they bought lemons”
Buttercup leaned in, eyes wide
“The blade made the lemon taste extremely lemony. Like it was 20 lemons in one. Surprisingly good from what Ratty jane said”
“Damn, I wish i was there” Buttercup lamented
“Oh by the way, did you know the noble hates lemons?”
“No shit? what a weirdo”
“Right? Anyway so everyone but him tried it. But then for some reason, shank wanted to try it again”
“I mean i wouldn’t stop”
“Gross. Anyway, shank collapsed under the taste of the lemon. When he woke up he could only taste lemon, no matter what he ate. His spiky bits were tinted yellow, and he had a refreshing lemon scent”
Buttercup slammed his cup on the table “LUCKY BASTARD”
Orgoth raised an eyebrow “Anyways… So they made it to the zoo. From what I hear, there was a dead hippogriff as they walked in. Great zoo.”
“Those things are fun to ride”
“Im not going to ask about that” Orgoth sighed “So half of the retards were looking at puppies while the ex-keeper and the noble looked at the corpse. Bunch of weirdos”
“Kinda sounds like youre the weirdo”
“IM THE ONLY SANE MAN IN THIS GROUP.” Orgoth stood, slamming his palms on the table “AND THAT NOBLE IS PLANNING SOMETHING I JUST KNOW IT”
Buttercup jumped up on the table “AT LEAST HE DOESNT LIE ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE”
“HE DOESNT MURDER PEOPLE.” Orgoth spat “HE HAS HIS SHADOW EAT THEM”
“YOURE A FUCKING LOONY” Buttercup pointed at him
Orgoth took exception
Wooden splinters littered the two brawlers. Pieces of the table they once sat at littered the bar. Both picked the wood from their leather-like skin
“So did you know the keeper has a creepy granddaughter?”
“Really? I didn’t think keepers had dicks”
“oh come on they have to, they’re always fucking everything”
“But yeah, she just appears out of nowhere. She showed up at the hippogriff and talked to the keeper and the noble for awhile before jumping the fence and touching the corpse”
“I think she said her name was Ali or something”
“That sounds familiar for some reason…” Buttercup trailed off
“Yeah I felt the same, but I’ve definitely never met her before.”
“Well i like my women weird” Buttercup smiled a sick grin
“How about cold? it felt like she was made of ice”
“I can work with that”
For the first time since they met, Orgoth felt some manner of disgust for his dwarven companion.
“Ignoring that” Orgoth continued “Everyone else stole a puppy. That actually turned out to be a bear cub raised by puppies”
“The fuck is wrong with the zoo”
“Well I’m getting to that, it was a weird zoo” Orgoth admitted “So they went to the petting zoo. I hear shank lost a dick fight with a goat.”
“And I thought I had problems”
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY” Buttercup launched into air
“OH COME ON WE JUST DID THIS” Orgoth rose just in time to catch the angry duckling catapulting toward him. Spinning, he threw him through a nearby chair.
“YOURE A PIECE OF SHIT” Screamed the shrill voice. The bulbous headed man rose from the destruction, charging into the kneecaps of the orc. The two toppled to the floor.
The two sat at the bar drinking. deep crimson leaked from the dwarf’s bandaged arm.
“Yeah and Ratty Jane was almost suffocated by kittens”
“That woman is going to die one day”
“Nah, I doubt it.” Orgoth sighed “Out of all of us, she has some incredible luck”
“Luck cant stop an angry goat”
“No, but it can keep a spider from eating you”
“Look I’m getting to that okay?” Orgoth glared at Buttercup “Like I was saying, Apparently Frantiska saw some sketchy shit and managed to convinced everyone but Jane to go check it out”
“Ah yes, the quiet one who likes to watch”
“yeah. But anyway I think this was about the time I showed up, not too sure.” He paused for a moment “So Jane went to see the Tiger Tigers. She got in there and was locked in. The rest of the party exploded into the exhibit a moment later. Apparently there was a guy named Ivan in there. They were all talking to him when I showed up.”
“he seems nice”
“I thought so, a bit cocky but not too bad.” Orgoth agreed " And then Tiska shot him with an arrow."
“Yep. Turns out the guy was no pushover. He nearly bested all eight of us, if you include the nobles shadow. He was slippery like a snake, I couldn’t hit him”
“Probably because you punch like a bitch”
“I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS RIGHT NOW”
“YOU’RE JUST LIKE MY EX-WIFE”
The two froze.
a moment past
Booming through the room full of unconcious men and women. The two leaned into one another.
“How does someone so gods-damned ugly get married.” Orgoth managed to say though gasps
“Its a tale for another time big man.” Buttercup wiped a tear “What happened next?”
“Well turns out this Ivan wasn’t the real Ivan. He managed to poison Tiska before he bit the dust.”
“What a bitch!”
“You mean Ivan right?”
“Yeah, Sure” Buttercup drank
“Yeah it was bad, but thankfully a less competant man showed up and we interrogated him for a bunch of info. Even got some gloves to remove Swamp spider webbing”
“Wait you mean those giant beasts from the awful swamps up north past the mountains?”
“NEVER. GO. THERE, that place is awful!”
“So I’ve heard” Orgoth raised an eyebrow “But we needed their webbing for the antidote. Thankfully the Zoo had some”
“WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ZOO HAS MURDEROUS SPIDERS”
“The same one that breeds tiger tigers I guess.” He shrugged “So we went there, and there was this really sketchy zoo keeper there, first one we had seen in a long time.”
“What happened to him”
“Rel murdered him”
“Yeah kind of” Orgoth shrugged again. “The guy wasnt actually dead, but Rel fully intended to murder him”
“Huh, I didn’t think birds had balls”
“Yeah well meanwhile, Ratty Jane snuck into the exhibit alone and managed to get some webbing. She also got bit because no one opened the door for her.”
“But they didn’t eat her?”
“Nah, everyone likes Jane I think. Everyone raced in there to help her. The Keeper even stabbed one through the thorax”
“Man fuck spiders”
“Yeah really” Orgoth shivered at the memory “Well we eventually killed two of them and scared the rest off. It cost Shank all his spikes apparently”
“huh, I kinda liked his spikes”
“yeah he lost the lemon curse too”
“DAMN IT” Buttercup shattered his glass on the bar
“God damn it Buttercup we have to pay for those”
“Go fuck yourself Orgoth”
He grimaced. “Anyways… So we were pretty fucked up so we crashed in a hospital for the night. It was a crazy day”
“Sounds like it.” Butter cup started to pour another drink. Suddenly he paused.
“Wait” He turned to Orgoth “Didn’t you say the police station burned down in the night?”
“Oh yeah” Orgoth sat up in his stool
“Well you see we went there in the morning and….”