Meridian City

Session 4
Sure, lets poison the ogre with the erection syringe, what could go wrong?

The following is an excerpt from Ratty Jane’s Diary

Date: Some time in the fall. I think. The leaves are changing right?

Mood: Triumphant. And Very Disturbed.

Dear Diary.

Zelkova can suck a dick. He thinks he’s so hot, barely overpowering halfings. He only just beat me in an arm wrestling contest! That doesn’t mean hes better than me. Hes just a pompous noble. With really nice hair. And a cute little… demon. thing. I like shade, but Zelkova needs to get off his horse and come join the rest of us at the table. Just because we are sort of, kind of, working for him doesn’t mean we aren’t all teammates

Anyways, so I had a wild night. It was super scary. The group was doing a bunch of bushiness in the carnival.

You know Diary, I’m working with some pretty horrible people. I watched Shank knock a woman unconscious just for wanting to sleep with him! I mean, she did kind of forcefully take his pants off and mount him, but if i was that desperate and on a lot of drugs I would have too! Just not with Shank. Actually you know what, I probably wouldn’t. But I would consider it! And then talk myself out of it and feel really bad for awhile.

So anyways, If that wasn’t bad enough, Zelkova stole her mask! I think it was because she was a Frey. He doesn’t like that family for some reason. Maybe I should ask. Anyways she’s probably dead now. Eh, thinking about it, she deserved it. Stupid rapist noble.

Anyways, so the we did the job. I stabbed a stitch that was covered in hooks! I mean he stabbed me first, like a lot. He was covered in hooks! But we killed him eventually. Then we talked to this really nice lady. Rot i think? She was very kind and polite, but also creepy. She gave me a coin, its not gold but its got a bunch of carnival markings on it. Apparently I can spend this at the guilds.

We were on our way out when Mathias spotted some spooky dudes staring at us on a roof. He went to go check it out, and I followed. In hindsight, I need to let Mathias just do his thing. Turns out the guys on the roof were slavers. They kidnapped Mathias and I. And shade too! but he disappeared pretty quickly. And Shank. They got a lot of us.

Zelkova, Rel, Orgoth, and Tiska gave chase and managed to get Shank free. This parts pretty hazy because Orgoth tried to punch the guy who was holding me. And that guy threw me in the way. Shank punched me straight to deaths door. I saw an angel! I think. Or maybe it was a girl? Kinda cute. Way too thin though. Anyways, I woke up to Mathias working some kinda healing magic on me. We were stuck in a small padded room with some other halflings and a dwarf woman.

Now diary, you know me pretty well, I’m not one to sit around while other people are doing things. Unless I’m drunk. But I wasn’t here, I was just hurt. Pretty badly. With Mathias’s help I popped the hinges off the door and tried to shove it out. But diary you know me pretty well. I’m small, and not very strong. And Mathias is really old. The Door fell back on us. A heavy iron door. Needless to say, I went back to seeing that woman.

You know, thinking about it, I feel like I’ve met her before somewhere. Maybe it was just a weird dream. I dunno. So I woke up a few moments later to Rel fixing my wounds. The slavers were all dead and the group was trying to leave. We got to a window, but it had bars on it. It was like this building was built to keep people in.

Man, Fuck Slavers

More slavers show up, the party is outnumbered andwere probably gonna die. Rel starts blasting the bars. He’s making slow progress. Tiska shoots down a conveniently placed chandelier, crushing one of the slavers and slowing the others. Kinda weird that they’d decorate a prison, but at least it was tasteful brass!

Well this must have pissed off the slavers because they loosed an Ogre at us. Big, ugly, green, with these mushroom like ears. And this thing is angry.

So eventually the Rel makes a big enough hole for everyone, and we all dip onto a fire escape. Most everyone makes it to the ground save for Tiska and Zelkova. Did i mention the Ogre was charging the window at ramming speed? It busts through, destroying the fire escape, Diving right into the center of the group.

I’m behind it and I still have this syringe that paralyzed a Minotaur a little earlier so I figured “Hey! Why not try to disable the big bastard?” So I stabbed it in the neck. You see Diary, I had forgotten that the Syringe also gave that Minotaur a THROBBING erection. Apparently the paralysis didn’t take, but the other part did. I can still remember the way he looked at me. Gave me chills.

You know I kinda wish someone who wasn’t five times as tall, strong and dumb as me would look at me like that.

So now we have an angry horny ogre smack dab in the middle of our party. We tried our best to fight it, but we were already pretty beat up from before. The big guy was tearing through us. Thankfully he was wearing metal loins so it didn’t escalate beyond murder.

At some point I got knocked unconscious again. No woman this time so I think I was okay for the most part. Now Tiska told me about this next part since I wasn’t exactly aware of what was happening.

So despite the fact that she was landing every arrow right in this things neck it just refused to go down. It got Mathias, Orgoth, Rel, It turned Shade into a pancake, Zelkova tried desperately to attack the beast with his shiny sword, Orgoth got back up and punched it, but it wasn’t dying. So with her lightning quick thinking Tiska found a badger woman and asked her to sleep with the beast.

This woman must have been in a dry spell. She apparently ripped the metal loin’s off the beast in one fell swoop and went to town immediately. I never actually got to see what kind of heat this beast was packing, but Tiska said about twice my size and just as thick.

I’m still not sure if I’m insulted by that.

So the Ogre is understandably distracted considering a dwarf is violently jerking him off. She actually got off in about twenty seconds. I wish she was still alive to teach me her ways. She actually coated Rel with it. Thank Shae it wasn’t pointed at me

Now it’s woozy. barely managing to fight anymore. Tiska then lands a final arrow in its neck and it dies. This didn’t stop the dwarf.

Now apparently an angry mob had formed that Tiska had nothing to do with what so ever. Most of them were rooting for the ogre apparently and were unhappy that it was killed. So thinking quickly again Tiska gets the dwarf to fuck every single person in the crowd. This was about when i woke up, but we left before I could see what was going on.

In hindsight, that’s probably for the best. The carnival is a fucked up place.

So we left the carnival as the sun was rising. Most of us were a light kick away from death, we collectively decided that a visit to the hospital was in order. So we all go to this place that Orgoth knew of in the area.

Diary, please remind me never to trust anything Orgoth recommends in the future.

So we get there and the place is really empty. Like, only one doctor empty. She asks us for the normal gold. Everyone pays in except for Zelkova, who is too good for hospitals I guess. Well I mean, I can’t be upset with him here, he’s the only reason the rest of us lived. Probably.

Oh yeah and this doctor ate Tiska’s gold piece. That was probably the first sign we should have gotten out of there. So the doctor leads us into the back and quickly uses a syringe to knock us out. Turns out shes a fucking Snerson.

I don’t know what happened to Zelkova. He led us through a labyrinth of traps after rescuing us so I assume he was having a difficult time finding us. When I came to the Serson fake doctor lady was conducting some kind of ritual to make us into hosts for Lina’s Snabies. I think. I mean the stuff Tiska and the others puked out looked kinda snake like.

by the way, we’re all chained upside down by our ankles kinda dangling in this dark creepy room

Zelkova busts in and draws his really shiny sword. He and Shade do battle with the Snerson. Meanwhile I’m not content to wait around so I quickly take the needle off my belt buckle and pick the lock holding me. I run to the others and undo their locks too. I got Tiska, and Mathias down when the Snerson landed a near fatal blow on Zelkova. Funnily enough that caused shade to disappear. Poor Shade.

Well the Snerson got all creepy over the unconscious Zelkova, so I thought to myself, “Boy howdy her neck looks exposed right now”.

So naturally I jammed my belt needle into her neck. A lot.

Now lacking a throat, she bleeds to death. I get the rest of the group down. Orgoth was a bit tricky, he actually pulled one of his feet out of the locks, but the skin didn’t come with it. You ever see a farm animal get butchered? I’d have rather watched that. We found out that Zelkova, Tiska, and Rel were pregnant with Snabies. So naturally Rel made a potion from alchohol, Lemons, and Ogre semen. Because that apparently aborts Snabies.

Tiska was none too happy about the idea of getting injected with that, so she drank. A lot. Diary, you know me, when i say she drank a lot, what i mean is a bottle of absinthe followed by a bottle of rum. Best part was that it worked, she puked up the Snabie inside her. Mathias quickly lopped it in half.

Rel and Zelkova took the abortion syringe. Their snabies were already dead when they were puked up.

Rel is weird. Useful but weird.

So Zelkova leads us out and we spend a little extra time going to the usual hospital. Zelkova was actually really nice for once and payed for all of us. So we get fixed up and get some okay food. Everyone kinda splits off to go do stuff. I think we all kinda know that we’re gonna end up at The Kitten at some point, so planning to meet isn’t really necessary anymore.

We all end up there eventually and I decide to do the natural thing and Drink.

Diary I saw some shit.

After tripping for awhile it seemed like Mathias had a job set up. But you see Zelkova was being a dick. So we got into a contest. At first it was arm wrestling, and I already told you, he BARELY managed to beat me. Cheeky prick. But I challenged him to a drinking contest. And I know Zelkova’s weakness.

The Raven Man was Mediating, and even bought all our drinks! So anyways the rules were simple, We take turns ordering drinks, and both have to drink the same thing.

Everything I ordered had lemon in it. Zelkova HATES lemons. hard lemonade, a lemon drop, and then just half a lemon spiked with something called “Crows bane”

He can drink more than I expected, but at the end of it all Zelkova dropped! Serves him right, Obnoxious jerk.

Well diary, I gotta get some sleep before tomorrow. We’re busting up an illusionists magic thing.

Ratty Jane

P.S. I forgot to mention. Shank turned into a spiky bone coffin. I’m trying not to think about it but its floating menacingly next to my bed. Please help.

Episode 3
Lemons, and Tiger Tigers, and Dead Bears, oh my!

Not every day ended here.

No. Only the bad ones.

The candles had almost burnt out. Wax piles sported minuscule craters at their peaks with black wicks that clung to fading flames.

The grain in the glass stank with the bitter sting of a strong drink.

Around, the Tavern lay empty. Nin had long since closed shop and gone to bed. The door was barred and locked, the chairs and stools were up. Only a sour draft from an open window washed the dreary mood.

Mathias sat alone in the dimly lit room. Before him a bottle of liquor and a half full glass. He stared down into the liquid, watching it wash the walls in waves as he swirled it in his hand. Up it went, draining into the mans mouth and mustache.

It returned to the table with a thud. More liquid filled it.

“Troubling night gramps?” a voice called from the window.

The ex-keeper shot up from his trance, staring toward the window.

“Aliyah!” He exclaimed, sighing his way back into his chair. “You startled me.”

Ali giggled “It’s no fun if I don’t tease you every once and awhile” She gracefully vaulted through the open window, striding toward the table. Mathias pulled down a chair as she approached. She straddled the seat, resting her chin on the back.

“Its been awhile since I caught you drinking like this” She started, an eyebrow raised at the bottle “Something pretty bad must have happened last night.”

Mathias shook his head “Lots of things happened. I don’t even know where to begin.” he paused to take a sip from the glass. “Sometimes I wonder if the youngins ever think their actions through”

Ali rolled her eyes

Mathias squited, but then returned to his drink. “Tiska kidnapped a baby bear from the Zoo”

“The one that was with the puppies?” Ali inquired

Mathias raised an eyebrow. “Yes? I think so at least. She hid it in her cloak while we were fighting the assassin. It was there when we were saving Jane from the spiders too”

“You fought as assassin?” Her eyes grew big listening to Mathias’s tale.

“Yes yes we all did. That was only a few days ago really” He faintly smiled “Gave him a good rubbing i did.”

Ali chortled

“Whats so funny young lady?”

“Nothing gramps” She giggled “go on”

“Right right, well during all that fighting the bear must have broken its leg. Mayhaps one of the spiders got it, or Tiska fell onto it. I cannot say for certain” He drank “Rel did his best to splint the wound, but it was awful bad and it got infected”

Ali’s lips frowned, eyes wide unwavering from Mathias

“The poor thing was in so much pain. When we got back to the Kitten it wasn’t doing very well” He swirled his drink, recollecting. he frowned “So Tiska and the others turned to unsavory methods to save it.”

“What did they do?”

“Rel’s friend, the bard, had some black market contacts. He worked out a deal for them in order to get the bear some penicillin. This deal involved Tiska killing a nobleman at first, along with an undisclosed second favor at the time”

he threw back the rest of the glass, slamming it down after. Ali jumped at the noise.

“Gotcha” he smiled and winked.

Ali pouted “Not funny grandpa!” She flicked his mustache. Mathias giggled at the display. The two of them smiled.

“What are you doing up so late anyways? The sun should be up soon” Mathias questioned

“Work” Ali sighed “I had a couple of late collections to make for my boss. They were troublesome compared to the usual, really had to work to get them to comply”

“Well I hope it wasn’t too much trouble” Mathias gave her shoulder a rub

“Nah, just tedious” She ran a hand through her messy black hair. “hey! You were in the middle of story! don’t stop now!”

“OH yes!” Mathias continued “Well the bard went off to get the medicine and the bear started dying. The others used everything they could think of to keep it alive. Orc blood, chest compression, and even forbidden magic.”

“Wait, in the middle of the day?” she sat dumbfounded

“Yes they were just upstairs. The effects of the spell flashed right through the floorboards. A mimic immediately figured it out and raced to arrest them. If it weren’t for Jane…” Mathias suddenly stopped. He cracked a grin and burst into a hearty laughter. “Oh my yes Jane how could I forget. For someone so small she is capable of some pretty grand feats”

“What did she do gramps?”

“She drank everyone under the table. A whole glass as big as she in a single sitting! I though she was going to drown in it, but she managed to drink the whole thing.” The smile warmed the room, Ali grinned at her grandfathers joy. “She was the life of the party for awhile, she even managed to slap Orgoth awake after he was knocked out by Buttercup”

“Oh Mr.Cup was here?” Ali suddenly cocked her head to the side

“yes… hes here often. Do you know him?”

“Yeah I visit him almost nightly for work.”

“Huh” Mathias stared at his granddaughter “That’s concerning”

“Hes actually a pretty sweet guy. Has a real soft spot for his mother”

“I never would have guessed” Another glass drained down his throat. “Anyways, Jane woke up to the flash. She an I followed the mimic up the stairs. He was peaking in on the others who were hard at work trying to save baby bear. I confronted him, but he flashed his badge and asked me to back off. I know better than to interfere with a fellow keeper, so I just watched”

“That’s just like you” Ali stuck her tongue out at Mathias. Mathias grinned and returned the gestures. The two chuckled for a moment. The man poured another glass. The girl pulled out a cigarette, lighting it swiftly

“Hey!” Mathias protested.

“Oh come on” Ali groned, her eyes rolled. “Its been a long night for me. I had three different pick-ups across the city!”

Mathias grumbled “Okay fine.” he relented “But no more tonight. Give me the pack” he telescoped his hand. She sighed and gave him the rest of the pack. “These are terrible for you you know”

“Yeah yeah, and all that drinking is keeping you so healthy” she shot back

“Watch your tongue young lady!” he pocket the pack. “Now where was I… Oh yes!”

Mathias threw back the glass, swallowing heartily. “So upstairs the rest of the group made the horrible decision to use that angelic magic again in plain view of the keeper. I think Zelkova was aware of his presence, but he say anything. So the keeper confirms the use of magic and busts into the room”

The cigarette burned, Ali ashed it onto the ground

“So the group starts to panic. Frantiska tried to forge a magic licence out of paper and pencil. It looked terrible. She did it right in front of me too! The nerve on that woman! The others tried to talk their way out of it. But this keeper is not having any of it.” the bottle emptied into the glass. “Turns out this guy was Constable Art-Work, I’d heard about him, but I had never imagined that he was so relentless”

“Art-work? Is he a teifling?” Ali inquired taking a slow drag

“Yes. A very infamous one too. Known for bringing in criminals with no remorse” Mathias looked up at the ceiling. “I was a miracle the others weren’t arrested.” He paused for a moment

“Then Jane staggered into the room and grabbed Art-Work’s ass”

Ali sputtered and gagged “Wait! What!”

“See what those do to you?” Mathias wagged a finger at her

“Oh piff! Are you serious about Jane?” Ali pressed

“Oh yes indeed. I was shocked she was so bold! So he looks down at her, and she suddenly projectile vomits all over his leg. Art didn’t take kindly to it that. He hoisted her over his shoulder and took her down the hall. I assume he was going to lock her in another room.”

Ali sat dumbstruck “Jane and I need to hang out more.”

Mathias snorted “It gets better. So Jane doesn’t like being man handled. She spins out of his grip, vomiting again as she gets to the floor. Artwork is covered in it now, dripping small puddles of filth. She runs down the stairs and he chases.”

Ali finished her cigarette, still absorbed in her Grandpa’s tale.

“So he catches her downstairs and Jane bursts into Sobs which catches Art completely off guard” The bottle raises to pour again, but nothing leaves its neck. Mathias sighs and places it back on the table. “I guess art must have a soft spot for halflings. The two talk for a bit, he calms her down, gives her some advice and gold and tries to get her to leave so he can make the arrest. Jane wouldn’t let him that easily, and I guess his feelings got the better of him. He set off a smoke stick and got everyone to run out of the tavern by pretending there was a fire.”

“Wait he broke the law for Jane?” Ali was in awe.

“Yes I was amazed too.” Mathias stopped “Oh yes, and during all that the bear died.”

“Yeah I knew”

Mathias raised an eyebrow. “Well anyways they fed its body to Shade and then everyone lept out the window. Or just walked outside” he finished the rest of his drink, crowning the bottle with the empty glass. “Buttercup was there, unconscious. He had pissed off Orgoth and the two got into a brief scuffle. Buttercup was vicious and used glass on Orgoths nether region”

Ali giggled “Yeah he mentioned that. Sounds brutal”

“Indeed quite brutal. Rel stitched it up in front of everyone later. It was better not to look” Mathias sat back in his chair. “We went to Orgoth’s apartment. The bear was dead but we were still indebted to the stitchers because of Frantiska’s rash actions. The bard showed up a few minutes later and gave the penicillin to us.”

“So you guys actually went to kill a noble?”

“No! Thank Tune we didn’t. Apparently the noble wasn’t coming anymore so instead we had to fight a big stitch and then meet with the leader of the dark carnival.”

“Rotrer?” Ali’s eyes lit up “Shes incredible.”

“You know her?” Mathias was surprised

“Yeah I’ve had a few meetings with her. She’s very nice. And gorgeous too. Its small wonder she out danced Yoko”

“Hmm.” Mathias hummed “Well she is certainly quite something. So we decided to wait for the carnival to appear. Everyone got some good rest during which the bard dropped off some masks for us.”

Ali grinned “Was there a bear mask?”

Mathias squinted at her “How would you know what the bear mask is for young lady?”

She quickly looked away, blushing “Oh I don’t! I just was curious!”

“Right…” Mathias continued to glare “We did have one. Shank took it”

Ali stifled a laugh, Mathias shook his head

“So we went to the carnival. They were never in the field before so this was actually my first patrol of the place. What a nightmarish chaos it is.” Mathias stood and walked to the bar, stumbling only slightly as he searched for another bottle

“It’s not that bad” Ali chimed “Everyone who goes there is just looking for freedom I think”

“I wouldn’t call that free-dAAAHH” Mathias suddenly reeled back, stumbling onto the ground. Ali stood, reaching into her jerkin for something.

Behind the counter, the roughspun sack of Shade appeared. The shadow creature bubbled some inconceivable babble before waddling out from behind the bar. Ali sighed, returning to her seat. Shade extended a clawed hand and helped Mathias to his feat.

“You scared me shade, be more careful at night!” Mathias lectured. Shade’s eyes drooped and he dangled his arms in front of himself shamefully.

“Now now, dont be upset little guy” Mathias reached out and tussled his sack. Shade’s eyes beamed at him. He revealed a fresh bottle, handing it to the ex-keeper.

“Why thank you!” Mathias beamed. Shade Saluted him. With a goofy little waddle he waltz over to the table where Ali sat. He waved a limp hand at her. She giggled.

The creature hoisted itself onto the table. Standing straight up, his sack head slowly decended, swallowing up the black branch-like limbs below. Before long the sack head rested itself on the table, Shades eyes in an open and beaming.

“Strange little creature” Mathias stumbled back to the table.

“I Think hes kinda cute” Ali returned, A fresh cigarette smoldering between her fingers

Mathias cocked his head, then frowned. he reached into his pocket, finding nothing but dust and lint.

“Young lady” He said sternly, extending his hand once more

Ali groaned “Alright fine” She tossed the pack into his hand.

“And?” he remained firm

Ali gumpily put out the cigarette and gave it to him

“Thank you” He sat, filling his glass once more. “So we walked through the carnival. People were dying and trading illegal items and practicing magic all around us.”

“And fucking!” Ali shouted. Mathias choked on his drink. He pounded his chest, trying to catch his breath. Shade garbled intermittently

“I Beg Your Pardon!” He exclaimed “You are far too young to be saying such things!”

“Oh come on grandpa, Im 16! Most girls are already married by 16.” She protested.

“Yes but most often not by choice!” Mathias rebuffed

“That hardly matters in this place”

ANYWAYS” Mathias tried to regain his place. “The most of us were uncomfortable and we made haste to the center. We did stop to buy some items, but not for very long. In the center we found the Stitcher’s Union.”

“I don’t like the stitchers” Ali sighed “What they do is unnatural”

“I agree. Their leader is as monstrous as his creations, viewing his union members as nothing more than parts” Mathias started to pour a glass, then stopped. He raised the bottle to his lips and took a hearty swallow. “Ahhh… The beast we fought was an abomination. 13 limbs!” he shouted abruptly “Well, 12 when i finished with it. But still! Horrifying” He looked at Ali, her focus on the unlit cigarette in his fingers. He sighed, handing it back to her. She smiled, relighting it.

“So we defeated the beast. Its maker wasn’t too happy with us, but we did what we were told.” He raised the bottle again to his lips as Ali took a drag. Both exhaled together, engrossed in the memory. “Afterwords we had to meet with Rot.”

Shade suddenly exclaimed a noise, something akin to bees stuck inside of a tuba that was filled with robins. The pair looked over to him as he stood up. The wiggly creature walked into the middle of the table shoulders All hunched over. he looked left, then right as if he was paranoid someone was watching him. Suddenly he jumped to the other side facing where he was once standing. now positioned menacingly, he slunk forward miming drawing a dagger from his belt. moving back Shade raised his hands shaking his head, trying to keep this invisible attacked at bay. He lept again, now raising the mimed dagger above his head. It came down with force! Slinking under the descending attack He reached one hand up trying desperately to prevent this grim fate. Struggling against his own form, the dagger broke through! Stabbing him clear in the chest. Shade stabbed himself over and over again, before collapsing into a heap.

Ali began to clap. Mathia’s took a sip of his drink. Shades body folded in on itself over and over again until finally it disappeared with a soft POP!

“That’s right I had almost forgotten.” Mathias started. “On our way to Rot, we were attacked by a large crowd of assassins”

“Really? From the guild?

“Indeed” He shook his head

“How did you survive? That guild has a very nasty reputation” Ali went wide eyed

“Incredibly, Zelkova managed to talk them out of killing us”

“Bullshit!” she shouted

Language” mathias commanded

“I don’t believe it!”

“Nor would I have if I had not been there” Mathias took another swig. “Our elven companion has a sweet and silver tongue. I bet he could talk a dragon out of it’s horde”

The two sat for a moment.

“After that near death experience we made it to Rot’s tent.”

“How’d that go gramps?” Ali asked

“Surprisingly well, but also disturbing” He continued “She had intimate knowledge of all of us. Even me.” his hand trembled

“,She talked about my sons in worrying detail.” he pressed his hand against the table. desperate to ease the shake “I’m worried somethings happened.” He looked up at Ali.

“I’m sure they’re fine grandpa. They’re strong men.” She reassured him.

“Yes.” He tired to agree “Still, I can’t shake the feeling”

Ali reached out, placing a calming hand on her grandpa’s shoulder. The shaking slowed, then ceased all together.

“Thank you” He sighed “Well after meeting with her, we went to go home, but we were hopelessly lost. I spotted some men on a nearby roof and thought to go see what they were about”

“Oh grandpa” Ali shook her head “Those old Keeper instincts of yours are going to get you killed”

“They almost did” he admitted “Turns out the guys on the roof were slavers. Their weapons made to capture not kill. They managed to catch myself, shade, and Jane.”

Ali gasped “Not Jane”

“Hey! I got caught too” He protested

“Yeah but I know you can take care of yourself!”

“So can Jane!” Mathias wagged a finger at her. “We managed to escape, barely. But that wasn’t the end of it…”

The candle flickered, then went out.

Session 2
Nothing bad can happen at the zoo right?

“And I’m sayin you’re full o shit!” Buttercups shrill voice pierced the quiet air in an unfamiliar tavern

“No really!” Orgoth chimed “They’ve got two more legs in the middle. Lets em climb better”

Buttercup gtoaned “What the hell were you even doing at the zoo?”

“Well it was either that or die in a cell for murder”

“wait wha-”

“SO THERE WE WERE AT THE KITTEN” Orgoth interrupted

“A bar fight broke out. I Lept into the frey, fighting everyone at once! I must have knocked out twenty people!” he boasted

“News flash tall dark and ugly, I WAS THERE” Buttercup rolled his eyes “You struggled to fight two farmers before I tackled your bitch ass to the ground”

Orgoth Glared “If memory serves i punched you straight to deaths door”


Orgoth stood. Buttercup leapt the table, tackling the orc to the ground. The two errupted into a flurry of limbs. Other patrons gathered and cheered. Suddenly, the dwarf flew into the crowd. Angry cries erupted as farmers and merchants laid into one another.

The bar flew into a frenzy

“So as I was saying”

Orgoth wrapped his ribs. Around him, dozens of farmers lie unconscious, many sporting suspicious orc sized bruises. At his feet in a puddle of blood yet lacking any obvious wounds, Buttercup lay breathing heavily.

“Shortly after the brawl we found a dead girl up in Rel’s room.”

“Bird boy?”

“Yeah him, Apparently the dwarf was cut open with care. She was missing her heart. There was some charcoal shit on the wall too.”

“Not gonna lie I think that’s fucked” Buttercups pitch woke a unconscious man. Orgoth leaned over, Whapping him on the head. He grunted and slammed into the floor.

“Yeah, it was bad” Orgoth tied off his ribs “Nin said it was the work of Stitchers, and maybe assassins from the carnival”

“Wait aren’t stitchers those guys who put bodies together then resurrect them” Buttercup inquired

Orgoth shrugged “Wouldnt know, never met one” he paused “But I hope i never do”

“So after that the keepers showed up and closed the bar for a few days. Half of my group wasnt even there for that, they left to this weird guy’s shop.” Orgoth looked up “Hey wait, do you know Travis? the Fennic?”

“Oh yeah Travis!” Buttercup raised his tone “He and I are old war buddies! We fought together against the legions of the damned”

“Wait really?”

“Fuck no!” Buttercup laughed, a piercing shriek that would have confused a bat “Who the fuck is Travis?”

Orgoth squinted “Hes a weird fuck that sells sex drugs i guess. I wasnt there. Apparently he told the others about Tiger Tigers”

“Again with these six legged bitches” Buttercup rolled his eyes



ANYWAYS” Orgoth stood, walking behind the bar he carefully stepped over the Tender. Grabbing a pair of glasses he filled them with swill. As he returned to his ugly friend, he produced some coppers from his pouch, tossing them at the unconscious barkeep. He handed a cup to Buttercup.

“So everyone and their brother wants to go see a tiger tiger. I didn’t give a shit, but I had to stop by my apartment briefly so I tagged along for a bit. The party identified these swords we found in a trash mimic”

“The thing that nearly ate the halfling right?”

“Yeah she almost gets eaten a lot it seems”

“Heh, dumbass halfling” A crooked grin spread across his disfigured face.

Orgoth ignored him “Yeah so turns out the one just looks like a creamsicle and the other makes everything taste like citrus”

“Wait” Buttercup suddenly made eyecontact with the orc “What would happen if you ate a lemon?”

NOT YOU TOO” Orgoth raged.




the two stood, starring at one another.

both sat at a near by table. Buttercup gently picked the glass out of his face while orgoth bandaged his forearm.

“Its times like this that I miss Rel” The orc spoke

“Yeah” Buttercup agreed “So what happened next”

“Well I decided I was done being retarded for the day” Orgoth started

“well thats a first” Buttercup muttered

“And I left to find some work. Everyone else went to a fruit market on the way to the zoo”



The Dwarf smiled, The Orc groaned

“So I found the raven man. He asked me to shake down some stands at another market”

“And you killed the guy instead”

“NO. I DID NOTHING” Orgoths dark cheeks flushed into a warm brown.

“Right” Buttercup hopped off his stool and waddled to the bar for a refill

“Things didn’t go as planned at the market, and i got locked up. But thankfully the Raven man bailed me out” Orgoth continued “It was lonely in jail so i decided to go to the zoo to convince my friends to stop being retarded”

“Wait what happened at the fruit market”

“Well this is second hand, but from what they told me they bought lemons”

Buttercup leaned in, eyes wide

“The blade made the lemon taste extremely lemony. Like it was 20 lemons in one. Surprisingly good from what Ratty jane said”

“Damn, I wish i was there” Buttercup lamented

“Oh by the way, did you know the noble hates lemons?”

“No shit? what a weirdo”

“Right? Anyway so everyone but him tried it. But then for some reason, shank wanted to try it again”

“I mean i wouldn’t stop”

“Gross. Anyway, shank collapsed under the taste of the lemon. When he woke up he could only taste lemon, no matter what he ate. His spiky bits were tinted yellow, and he had a refreshing lemon scent”

Buttercup slammed his cup on the table “LUCKY BASTARD

Orgoth raised an eyebrow “Anyways… So they made it to the zoo. From what I hear, there was a dead hippogriff as they walked in. Great zoo.”

“Those things are fun to ride”

“Im not going to ask about that” Orgoth sighed “So half of the retards were looking at puppies while the ex-keeper and the noble looked at the corpse. Bunch of weirdos”

“Kinda sounds like youre the weirdo”


Buttercup jumped up on the table “AT LEAST HE DOESNT LIE ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE


YOURE A FUCKING LOONY” Buttercup pointed at him

Orgoth took exception

Wooden splinters littered the two brawlers. Pieces of the table they once sat at littered the bar. Both picked the wood from their leather-like skin

“So did you know the keeper has a creepy granddaughter?”

“Really? I didn’t think keepers had dicks”

“oh come on they have to, they’re always fucking everything”


“But yeah, she just appears out of nowhere. She showed up at the hippogriff and talked to the keeper and the noble for awhile before jumping the fence and touching the corpse”


“I think she said her name was Ali or something”

“That sounds familiar for some reason…” Buttercup trailed off

“Yeah I felt the same, but I’ve definitely never met her before.”

“Well i like my women weird” Buttercup smiled a sick grin

“How about cold? it felt like she was made of ice”

“I can work with that”

For the first time since they met, Orgoth felt some manner of disgust for his dwarven companion.

“Ignoring that” Orgoth continued “Everyone else stole a puppy. That actually turned out to be a bear cub raised by puppies”

“The fuck is wrong with the zoo”

“Well I’m getting to that, it was a weird zoo” Orgoth admitted “So they went to the petting zoo. I hear shank lost a dick fight with a goat.”

“And I thought I had problems”

“You do”

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY” Buttercup launched into air

“OH COME ON WE JUST DID THIS” Orgoth rose just in time to catch the angry duckling catapulting toward him. Spinning, he threw him through a nearby chair.

YOURE A PIECE OF SHIT” Screamed the shrill voice. The bulbous headed man rose from the destruction, charging into the kneecaps of the orc. The two toppled to the floor.

The two sat at the bar drinking. deep crimson leaked from the dwarf’s bandaged arm.

“Yeah and Ratty Jane was almost suffocated by kittens”

“That woman is going to die one day”

“Nah, I doubt it.” Orgoth sighed “Out of all of us, she has some incredible luck”

“Luck cant stop an angry goat”

“No, but it can keep a spider from eating you”

“Wait wha-”

“Look I’m getting to that okay?” Orgoth glared at Buttercup “Like I was saying, Apparently Frantiska saw some sketchy shit and managed to convinced everyone but Jane to go check it out”

“Ah yes, the quiet one who likes to watch”

“yeah. But anyway I think this was about the time I showed up, not too sure.” He paused for a moment “So Jane went to see the Tiger Tigers. She got in there and was locked in. The rest of the party exploded into the exhibit a moment later. Apparently there was a guy named Ivan in there. They were all talking to him when I showed up.”

“he seems nice”

“I thought so, a bit cocky but not too bad.” Orgoth agreed " And then Tiska shot him with an arrow."


“Yep. Turns out the guy was no pushover. He nearly bested all eight of us, if you include the nobles shadow. He was slippery like a snake, I couldn’t hit him”

“Probably because you punch like a bitch”



The two froze.

a moment past

a chuckle


Booming through the room full of unconcious men and women. The two leaned into one another.

“How does someone so gods-damned ugly get married.” Orgoth managed to say though gasps

“Its a tale for another time big man.” Buttercup wiped a tear “What happened next?”

“Well turns out this Ivan wasn’t the real Ivan. He managed to poison Tiska before he bit the dust.”

“What a bitch!”

“You mean Ivan right?”

“Yeah, Sure” Buttercup drank

“Yeah it was bad, but thankfully a less competant man showed up and we interrogated him for a bunch of info. Even got some gloves to remove Swamp spider webbing”

“Wait you mean those giant beasts from the awful swamps up north past the mountains?”


NEVER. GO. THERE, that place is awful!”

“So I’ve heard” Orgoth raised an eyebrow “But we needed their webbing for the antidote. Thankfully the Zoo had some”


“The same one that breeds tiger tigers I guess.” He shrugged “So we went there, and there was this really sketchy zoo keeper there, first one we had seen in a long time.”

“What happened to him”

“Rel murdered him”

“Wait really?”

“Yeah kind of” Orgoth shrugged again. “The guy wasnt actually dead, but Rel fully intended to murder him”

“Huh, I didn’t think birds had balls”

Both chuckled

“Yeah well meanwhile, Ratty Jane snuck into the exhibit alone and managed to get some webbing. She also got bit because no one opened the door for her.”

“But they didn’t eat her?”

“Nah, everyone likes Jane I think. Everyone raced in there to help her. The Keeper even stabbed one through the thorax”

“Man fuck spiders”

“Yeah really” Orgoth shivered at the memory “Well we eventually killed two of them and scared the rest off. It cost Shank all his spikes apparently”

“huh, I kinda liked his spikes”

“yeah he lost the lemon curse too”

DAMN IT” Buttercup shattered his glass on the bar

“God damn it Buttercup we have to pay for those”

“Go fuck yourself Orgoth”

He grimaced. “Anyways… So we were pretty fucked up so we crashed in a hospital for the night. It was a crazy day”

“Sounds like it.” Butter cup started to pour another drink. Suddenly he paused.

“Wait” He turned to Orgoth “Didn’t you say the police station burned down in the night?”

“Oh yeah” Orgoth sat up in his stool

“Well you see we went there in the morning and….”

Session 1: Frantiska's Journal
And so, It Begins

The Following is an Excerpt from Frantiska’s Journal.

Dear Book

in hindsight, better to avoid well dressed men and little girls at bar.

Somehow, I have been coalesced into work for strange noble man. I am best member of team of rag tag maniacs. You have Meat, who punches. Bird, who sows wounds. Mummy, who is porcupine man. Rat Jane, who is nice lady. Grandpa, who needs shave. and Snowflake, who tries too hard to talk. oh. and Snowflakes Shadow. Weird creature. Eats glass.

They are okay people. Is weird to have… Comrades, again.

We fought automation. Didn’t need the help. Comrades got in the way. One arrow took it down. My arrow.

no reward for Frantiska. No need for it.

Crow man tried to get me to work for Carnival. Never again. We smashed the boxes. Infernal music will not ring here.

Sister found me. Carnival moved to Brow. Most dangerous. Won’t let them take me.

Need to plan for future. Comrades dumb, but good people


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