The following is an excerpt from Ratty Jane’s Diary
Date: Some time in the fall. I think. The leaves are changing right?
Mood: Triumphant. And Very Disturbed.
Zelkova can suck a dick. He thinks he’s so hot, barely overpowering halfings. He only just beat me in an arm wrestling contest! That doesn’t mean hes better than me. Hes just a pompous noble. With really nice hair. And a cute little… demon. thing. I like shade, but Zelkova needs to get off his horse and come join the rest of us at the table. Just because we are sort of, kind of, working for him doesn’t mean we aren’t all teammates
Anyways, so I had a wild night. It was super scary. The group was doing a bunch of bushiness in the carnival.
You know Diary, I’m working with some pretty horrible people. I watched Shank knock a woman unconscious just for wanting to sleep with him! I mean, she did kind of forcefully take his pants off and mount him, but if i was that desperate and on a lot of drugs I would have too! Just not with Shank. Actually you know what, I probably wouldn’t. But I would consider it! And then talk myself out of it and feel really bad for awhile.
So anyways, If that wasn’t bad enough, Zelkova stole her mask! I think it was because she was a Frey. He doesn’t like that family for some reason. Maybe I should ask. Anyways she’s probably dead now. Eh, thinking about it, she deserved it. Stupid rapist noble.
Anyways, so the we did the job. I stabbed a stitch that was covered in hooks! I mean he stabbed me first, like a lot. He was covered in hooks! But we killed him eventually. Then we talked to this really nice lady. Rot i think? She was very kind and polite, but also creepy. She gave me a coin, its not gold but its got a bunch of carnival markings on it. Apparently I can spend this at the guilds.
We were on our way out when Mathias spotted some spooky dudes staring at us on a roof. He went to go check it out, and I followed. In hindsight, I need to let Mathias just do his thing. Turns out the guys on the roof were slavers. They kidnapped Mathias and I. And shade too! but he disappeared pretty quickly. And Shank. They got a lot of us.
Zelkova, Rel, Orgoth, and Tiska gave chase and managed to get Shank free. This parts pretty hazy because Orgoth tried to punch the guy who was holding me. And that guy threw me in the way. Shank punched me straight to deaths door. I saw an angel! I think. Or maybe it was a girl? Kinda cute. Way too thin though. Anyways, I woke up to Mathias working some kinda healing magic on me. We were stuck in a small padded room with some other halflings and a dwarf woman.
Now diary, you know me pretty well, I’m not one to sit around while other people are doing things. Unless I’m drunk. But I wasn’t here, I was just hurt. Pretty badly. With Mathias’s help I popped the hinges off the door and tried to shove it out. But diary you know me pretty well. I’m small, and not very strong. And Mathias is really old. The Door fell back on us. A heavy iron door. Needless to say, I went back to seeing that woman.
You know, thinking about it, I feel like I’ve met her before somewhere. Maybe it was just a weird dream. I dunno. So I woke up a few moments later to Rel fixing my wounds. The slavers were all dead and the group was trying to leave. We got to a window, but it had bars on it. It was like this building was built to keep people in.
Man, Fuck Slavers
More slavers show up, the party is outnumbered andwere probably gonna die. Rel starts blasting the bars. He’s making slow progress. Tiska shoots down a conveniently placed chandelier, crushing one of the slavers and slowing the others. Kinda weird that they’d decorate a prison, but at least it was tasteful brass!
Well this must have pissed off the slavers because they loosed an Ogre at us. Big, ugly, green, with these mushroom like ears. And this thing is angry.
So eventually the Rel makes a big enough hole for everyone, and we all dip onto a fire escape. Most everyone makes it to the ground save for Tiska and Zelkova. Did i mention the Ogre was charging the window at ramming speed? It busts through, destroying the fire escape, Diving right into the center of the group.
I’m behind it and I still have this syringe that paralyzed a Minotaur a little earlier so I figured “Hey! Why not try to disable the big bastard?” So I stabbed it in the neck. You see Diary, I had forgotten that the Syringe also gave that Minotaur a THROBBING erection. Apparently the paralysis didn’t take, but the other part did. I can still remember the way he looked at me. Gave me chills.
You know I kinda wish someone who wasn’t five times as tall, strong and dumb as me would look at me like that.
So now we have an angry horny ogre smack dab in the middle of our party. We tried our best to fight it, but we were already pretty beat up from before. The big guy was tearing through us. Thankfully he was wearing metal loins so it didn’t escalate beyond murder.
At some point I got knocked unconscious again. No woman this time so I think I was okay for the most part. Now Tiska told me about this next part since I wasn’t exactly aware of what was happening.
So despite the fact that she was landing every arrow right in this things neck it just refused to go down. It got Mathias, Orgoth, Rel, It turned Shade into a pancake, Zelkova tried desperately to attack the beast with his shiny sword, Orgoth got back up and punched it, but it wasn’t dying. So with her lightning quick thinking Tiska found a badger woman and asked her to sleep with the beast.
This woman must have been in a dry spell. She apparently ripped the metal loin’s off the beast in one fell swoop and went to town immediately. I never actually got to see what kind of heat this beast was packing, but Tiska said about twice my size and just as thick.
I’m still not sure if I’m insulted by that.
So the Ogre is understandably distracted considering a dwarf is violently jerking him off. She actually got off in about twenty seconds. I wish she was still alive to teach me her ways. She actually coated Rel with it. Thank Shae it wasn’t pointed at me
Now it’s woozy. barely managing to fight anymore. Tiska then lands a final arrow in its neck and it dies. This didn’t stop the dwarf.
Now apparently an angry mob had formed that Tiska had nothing to do with what so ever. Most of them were rooting for the ogre apparently and were unhappy that it was killed. So thinking quickly again Tiska gets the dwarf to fuck every single person in the crowd. This was about when i woke up, but we left before I could see what was going on.
In hindsight, that’s probably for the best. The carnival is a fucked up place.
So we left the carnival as the sun was rising. Most of us were a light kick away from death, we collectively decided that a visit to the hospital was in order. So we all go to this place that Orgoth knew of in the area.
Diary, please remind me never to trust anything Orgoth recommends in the future.
So we get there and the place is really empty. Like, only one doctor empty. She asks us for the normal gold. Everyone pays in except for Zelkova, who is too good for hospitals I guess. Well I mean, I can’t be upset with him here, he’s the only reason the rest of us lived. Probably.
Oh yeah and this doctor ate Tiska’s gold piece. That was probably the first sign we should have gotten out of there. So the doctor leads us into the back and quickly uses a syringe to knock us out. Turns out shes a fucking Snerson.
I don’t know what happened to Zelkova. He led us through a labyrinth of traps after rescuing us so I assume he was having a difficult time finding us. When I came to the Serson fake doctor lady was conducting some kind of ritual to make us into hosts for Lina’s Snabies. I think. I mean the stuff Tiska and the others puked out looked kinda snake like.
by the way, we’re all chained upside down by our ankles kinda dangling in this dark creepy room
Zelkova busts in and draws his really shiny sword. He and Shade do battle with the Snerson. Meanwhile I’m not content to wait around so I quickly take the needle off my belt buckle and pick the lock holding me. I run to the others and undo their locks too. I got Tiska, and Mathias down when the Snerson landed a near fatal blow on Zelkova. Funnily enough that caused shade to disappear. Poor Shade.
Well the Snerson got all creepy over the unconscious Zelkova, so I thought to myself, “Boy howdy her neck looks exposed right now”.
So naturally I jammed my belt needle into her neck. A lot.
Now lacking a throat, she bleeds to death. I get the rest of the group down. Orgoth was a bit tricky, he actually pulled one of his feet out of the locks, but the skin didn’t come with it. You ever see a farm animal get butchered? I’d have rather watched that. We found out that Zelkova, Tiska, and Rel were pregnant with Snabies. So naturally Rel made a potion from alchohol, Lemons, and Ogre semen. Because that apparently aborts Snabies.
Tiska was none too happy about the idea of getting injected with that, so she drank. A lot. Diary, you know me, when i say she drank a lot, what i mean is a bottle of absinthe followed by a bottle of rum. Best part was that it worked, she puked up the Snabie inside her. Mathias quickly lopped it in half.
Rel and Zelkova took the abortion syringe. Their snabies were already dead when they were puked up.
Rel is weird. Useful but weird.
So Zelkova leads us out and we spend a little extra time going to the usual hospital. Zelkova was actually really nice for once and payed for all of us. So we get fixed up and get some okay food. Everyone kinda splits off to go do stuff. I think we all kinda know that we’re gonna end up at The Kitten at some point, so planning to meet isn’t really necessary anymore.
We all end up there eventually and I decide to do the natural thing and Drink.
Diary I saw some shit.
After tripping for awhile it seemed like Mathias had a job set up. But you see Zelkova was being a dick. So we got into a contest. At first it was arm wrestling, and I already told you, he BARELY managed to beat me. Cheeky prick. But I challenged him to a drinking contest. And I know Zelkova’s weakness.
The Raven Man was Mediating, and even bought all our drinks! So anyways the rules were simple, We take turns ordering drinks, and both have to drink the same thing.
Everything I ordered had lemon in it. Zelkova HATES lemons. hard lemonade, a lemon drop, and then just half a lemon spiked with something called “Crows bane”
He can drink more than I expected, but at the end of it all Zelkova dropped! Serves him right, Obnoxious jerk.
Well diary, I gotta get some sleep before tomorrow. We’re busting up an illusionists magic thing.
P.S. I forgot to mention. Shank turned into a spiky bone coffin. I’m trying not to think about it but its floating menacingly next to my bed. Please help.